Indomitable Will, Tender Heart - 7
Author: Taryn
Email: Write
Me!
Rating: Strong R (language - this chapter)
Disclaimer: Don't own them, yadda yadda. See Chapter 1...
Author's Notes: Quote used below is from 'The Book Of
Five Rings' by Japanese martial arts expert Miyamoto Musashi.
Problem is, the quote from the book was only in
English and I had to
hunt
all over the Web to find the proper translation. If anyone
out there reading
this
speaks Japanese and finds fault with my interpretation, please let me
know...I'd be more
than
happy to correct it! Oh, and I blame Heather
for Logan having a sweet-tooth....she knows
why! ;-)
----------------------------------
Muffled sounds coming from the direction of the kitchen, accompanied by
the
mouthwatering aroma of bacon and coffee, awakened Logan the next
morning.
He knuckled the sleep out of his eyes, momentarily unable to identify
where
he was. Mmpf...what the-? Oh, yeah - 'spent the
night
here
on Marie's couch after trashin' her guest room. Shit. A
glance at the glowing green readout on the DVD-player told him it was
10:23AM
- Wednesday, December 30th. Not that the date or even the time
ever
held that much meaning for him. With a healing factor that
effectively
slowed the aging process down to a crawl, the passing of time was
really
of no consequence. People grew older, things changed, but the
Wolverine
remained the same. Yeah, we might be comin' up on a new
year,
but the bullshit never changes. Christ.
Taking a moment to reorient himself, he finally sat up with a groan,
the
blankets pooling around his waist and the cooler air leaving a trail of
gooseflesh
across his bare chest and arms. With the bright morning sun
streaming
through the curtained windows, the little cottage was even more cozy
and
cheerful in the light of day. She's got a real nice thing
goin'
here. But, then, it'd probably be like that wherever she was at,
cuz
she carries the 'nice' around inside of her. He shook
his
head,
wondering where in the hell that thought had come from, and stretched
his
limbs, finally standing up and little surprised to see he was still
wearing
his jeans. I musta really been out of it last night.
He folded the blanket neatly and placed it with the pillow at the end
of
the couch, finally shrugging his t-shirt on over his head as he ambled
out
toward the delicious smells coming from the kitchen. Marie had her back
to
him and was searching for something in the refrigerator when he walked
in.
He allowed himself a moment to admire the view of her from behind
before clearing his throat to announce his presence.
She straightened up and greeted him with a bright smile. Damn.
I could definitely get used to wakin' up to this on a regular basis.
"Good morning, Logan!" God, he looks good....all sleepy-eyed
with
his
hair sticking up like that! "I hope you're hungry....?"
"Mornin'," he mumbled, looking around slowly. "Um...yeah, I could
eat." Whoa...Bacon and eggs, sausage, some kinda
potatoes, toast,
coffee....she
really knows howta feed a guy.
"Oh, good, cuz I made a lot! Go ahead and have a seat and I'll
dish
it right up for you."
He stifled a yawn and sat down at the table, content to simply watch
her
as she moved confidently around the kitchen; scrambling eggs,
buttering
toast
and pouring coffee. She was dressed comfortably in a pair of
faded
jeans and a pale pink, long-sleeved t-shirt, her hair pulled up in a
high
ponytail that showed off her graceful neck. Her cheeks were
flushed
from the heat of the stove and she suddenly turned bright eyes on him
as
she asked "I know you said you drink coffee in the morning, but do you
want
some juice too?"
He shifted in his seat. "Nah...coffee's fine."
She nodded, handing him a steaming mug. "Cream and sugar are
right
there on the table, or there's honey if you prefer that." Turning
back
to the stove, she began filling his plate, noticing that he hesitated
only
a moment before reaching for the honey jar and spooning a large dollop
into
his coffee.
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised he has a sweet tooth....he
really
took a liking to my cookies last night, too!
Logan was leaning down, petting Winston - I wonder if I should tell
him
that cat's only being friendly cuz he's looking for a handout?
- when Marie placed a heaping plate in front of him and then sat down
with
a smaller helping for herself. He stared at his plate with an
incredulous
expression, but she just forked some eggs into her mouth and shrugged.
"I didn't know exactly what you liked, so I gave you some of
everything.
Oh, and there's more over there on the stove, so don't be shy if you
want
seconds."
He grunted, but followed her lead and dug in. They both ate in a
comfortable
silence for a few minutes, before Logan sat back abruptly and took a
sip
of his coffee. Marie raised her eyebrows at his plate - still
with
food on it - in surprise.
"Don't tell me you're full already?"
He shook his head. "Nope. 'Just takin' a breather."
He
handed a bite of sausage down to Winston before straightening back up
and
picking up his fork again. "Where'd you learn to cook like this?"
Marie smiled. "My grandma taught me, mostly. That woman had
a
recipe for everything....I swear, she could even make toilet paper
taste
good!"
That got a deep chuckle out of Logan. "Toilet paper, huh? I
hope
I never get so desperate that I've gotta eat that."
Boy, he seems to be in a much better mood this morning. I
gotta
figure out a way to keep this up. "Yeah, well, if my grandma
was
doing
the cooking, you'd probably even ask for seconds!"
She refilled their coffee mugs while he finished what was left on his
plate.
Declining a second helping of eggs, potatoes or toast, he nonetheless
managed
to polish off a few more pieces of bacon and the rest of the sausage
before
holding his hand up in protest.
"Helluva breakfast there, darlin'..." He leaned back in the chair
and
patted his stomach. "...but I couldn't eat another bite if my
life
depended on it."
Marie laughed, feeling almost giddy. Did he just call
me
'darling'?
Yesss! Hell, even if he says that to every woman he meets,
I
think it means he's definitely lightening up.... "I'm really
glad
you liked it. And, uh, now I have a little surprise for you."
Logan raised an eyebrow at her. "A surprise?" She couldn't
decide
if the expression on his face was anticipation....or anxiety.
"Yeah....I, uh, kinda got up early this morning and ran out to the
store."
She started gathering up their dirty plates as she spoke, suddenly shy
about
meeting his gaze. "I left you a note, in case you woke up while I
was
gone, but - well...." She slid the dishes into the sink and
started
the hot water before turning back around. The look on his face
was
interested, but guarded. Taking a deep breath, she plunged on
ahead.
"Anyway, the sun was out and the roads were clear, so I ran to the
grocery
store in town. They don't have a big selection, but, I, uh, got
you
this...." She went to the refrigerator and opened the door, indicating
the
case of Molson's sitting on the bottom shelf. Logan was just
staring
at her, so she added weakly, "Um...I didn't know what kind you liked,
but
since you said you might be from Canada, I figured I'd go with the
Molson's,
cuz that's a Canadian brand....right?"
Turning her back to him and shutting off the water, Marie started
scraping
the pots and pans. She heard Logan shift in his chair and her
shoulders
automatically tensed, anticipating his response.
"Marie...." his voice sounded hoarse and he cleared his throat.
"You
really shouldn'ta done it, but......hell, that was real nice of
ya."
He sounded embarrassed so she didn't turn around, simply shrugged and
smiled
over her shoulder.
"Oh, that's okay. I forgot to get milk when I was out yesterday,
so
I had to stop anyway. It was no big deal for me to grab the beer
while
I was in there."
He downed the last of his coffee, staring into the empty mug, and
suddenly
he felt even worse about what he'd done to her guest room. She
ran out early this mornin' and bought me beer? Shit, after last
night,
how can she be anythin' but pissed at me?
"Hey..." he stood up, gathering up the cream, sugar and honey along
with
his empty mug and bringing them over to the counter. "I'll,
uh...I'll
get started cleanin' and fixin' up your guest room right away.
Don't
worry....I'm actually pretty good with tools, and I know how to build
stuff with wood, so uh, I'll get it all fixed up and you won't even be
able
to tell there was any...damage."
Marie turned to face him, then, drying her hands on a dishtowel.
"Oh,
I'm not worried! I'm sure you'll do a terrific job, Logan.
But,
um, you know there's really no rush. I mean, I already cleaned up
the
room this morning, and it really isn't that bad, so --"
"You cleaned it up? Shit, Marie...why in the hell did ya do
that?
I'm the one who made the mess!" He was already stalking out of
the
room when he saw her wince - Christ, I'm already indebted to her up
to
my eyeballs....if she keeps on doin' shit for me, I'll never be able to
pay
her back! - and instantly regretted his harsh tone of voice.
Still,
he kept going. Opening the guest room door, he steeled himself to
peer
inside. Even though she'd said it 'wasn't that bad', he knew
there
would be no sugarcoating the damage in the harsh light of day.
The first thing he noticed was that the sour odor of vomit had been
replaced
by the tangy smell of cleanser. It stung his nose and made his
eyes
water, but was infinitely preferable to the former.
The bed had been stripped and he could see - upon closer inspection -
that
there were several small punctures in the mattress. The headboard
had
three shallow scratches across the carved wood design. Marie was
right;
the damage here was minimal. The same could not be said, however,
about
the doorframe and the wall next to the knob - both were deeply gouged
and
scratched in several different places. Bearing the full-brunt of
his
panic, now they silently mocked him - a splintered testimony to his
desperation
to find a way out of the lab in his dreams.
As he was working out in his head what supplies he was going to need to
get
the job done, Marie appeared in the doorway, nervously watching
him.
He scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. Apologies weren't
something
he was used to offering, but since meeting Marie he was certainly
getting a
lot of practice at it. Fuck...
"I'm sorry I snapped at ya....I know you were only tryin' to
help."
He shoved his hands in his pockets with a frown. "It's just that
-
I like to pay my own way, ya know? I don't remember ever bein' in
debt
to anybody before and, to be honest, I fuckin' hate it, but I ain't
gonna
take advantage of anythin' you've done for me. I'll do everythin'
I
can to pay ya back....ya got my word on that."
"I know paying me back is important to you," she said softly.
"..But,
Logan....you don't 'owe' me anything. I've helped you out because
I
wanted to. Why can't you believe me?"
"Cuz that ain't how it works, darlin'." He scowled, looking away
from
her, unable to face the naive sincerity in her eyes. "People
don't
just help other people for no reason. They always want shit from
ya
in return."
"I don't."
He scoffed. "Yeah, well....maybe not right now. But I'm
sure
you'll think of somethin' before too long." Shaking his head, he
muttered,
"Some things never change."
Marie's expression darkened as the words were dying on his lips.
The
light in her eyes was suddenly extinguished and there was a determined
set
to her jaw. "You know what, Logan? You're right....I do
want
something from you." She squared her shoulders in the doorway and
fixed
him with a glare. "I want you to leave now. You can just
forget
about that whole 'I'm indebted to you' bit - I'm absolving you of that
right
now....wiping the slate clean. You're totally free to go."
Not bothering to hang around for his response, she turned on her heel
and
headed down the hall, the image of Logan's shocked face burned into her
brain.
Alone in her room, Marie took deep, gulping breaths in an effort to
calm
her racing heart. She hadn't bothered to shut the bedroom door
and
now she could hear Logan muttering and stalking down the hallway toward
the
living room. She knew he was grabbing his things and then he
would
leave.
She was angry and hurt, yes, but most of all she was
disappointed.
While she was definitely upset by Logan's jaded cynicism and
unwillingness
to accept that things could genuinely differ from his experience or
perception,
she was - in all honesty - even more disappointed in herself for
naively
thinking she could change things or make a difference in someone else's
life. That was stupid, Marie. You were stupid and naive
and
just...damned
clueless. He never wanted your help in the first place. You
were
doomed to fail before you even began. A for effort, D- for results.
She just couldn't bring herself to admit total defeat. After
all, he did accept a ride home with me and the offer to stay the
night....that's
something, isn't it? Something, perhaps, but -
ultimately -
not
enough.
She choked back a sob - Dammit, I am not going to let him know he's
affecting
me like this! - swiping a hand through her bangs and pushing them
out
of her eyes. Taking another deep breath, she launched herself
into
a kata. For the next few minutes, she continued to perform the
familiar
motions, losing herself in the calming, age-old rhythms. The
world
ceased to exist and nothing else mattered as she concentrated on her
efforts,
so much so that she failed to notice Logan, jacket on and duffel bag in
hand,
leaning against the doorframe with something akin to wonder in his
hazel
eyes.
As he watched Marie, he had a sudden flash of memory; He
was
standing
on a mat inside a dojo, moving slowly and deliberately through a kata,
similar
to hers but yet different. He was barefoot and his hair was much
longer,
tied back with a leather cord. The shirt he wore, an elaborately
embroidered
keikogi, hung open, fluttering around him as he went through the
motions.
His footing was sure, and each kick, punch, and lunge were like steps
in
an elaborate, ancient dance....
Marie finished her routine and came to a halt, bringing her palms
together
in front of her chest and bowing to an invisible sensei. Her face
flushed
from her exertions, she gasped when she realized Logan was standing in
the
doorway. Damn him. Why can't he just go instead of
rubbing
my face in the fact that he's leaving? She could feel
her
chest tightening and her eyes growing hot again.
"I'm touched that you came to say goodbye, but aren't you afraid I'm
going
to want something from you before you go?" The tone was a little
more
bitter than she'd intended, but her voice remained steady and she was
grateful for that. Good....if I can
just hang onto the anger, maybe he won't know how bad I'm hurting inside.
Logan winced. Okay, I deserved that. That, and a
helluva
lot more, to be honest. He lowered the duffel bag to the
floor
and crossed his arms over his chest. "Where'd ya learn martial
arts?"
Marie stared at him. Is he kidding? I don't know what
kind
of game he's playing with me, but I'm not going along for the ride
anymore. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me,
Logan." she
bit
out. Mimicking his cross-armed stance, she added "...and you're
not
interested in getting to know me, so why does it matter?
The silence was heavy - almost tangible - between them as her brown
eyes
met and held his hazel ones. Finally, he shrugged. "You're
right.
It shouldn't matter to me...." an odd look ghosted across his
face.
"...but it does." He came into the room and perched awkwardly on
the
end of the bed, watching her intensely. "So...I'd really like to
know
- where'd ya learn to do that?"
Marie was taken aback - You know, I really shouldn't be
surprised....this
guy's done nothing but keep me guessing since I first laid eyes on him
- but she kept her chin raised defiantly. Oh,
no...huh-uh....I
just spent the last ten minutes trying to work him out of my
system....no
way am I gonna make this easy for him!
"Why should I share anything else about myself with you?
Conversation
is supposed to be a give and take. So far, I've been the only one
offering
up anything here and all you've done is take." She shook her
head,
unable to completely disguise the tinge of sadness in her voice.
"Anyway,
I may be a slow learner and incredibly naive, but I do
know
when to cut my losses and move on." Turning her back on him then,
she
moved over to the closet, intending to grab some clothes and take a
quick
shower....maybe by the time she came out, he'd finally be gone.
"Sokonau, Yoki zen'yu. Yoki minarai, Yoki seichou
keikan.
Tsuneni."
The words were unfamiliar and definitely foreign, but the voice was
unmistakeably
Logan's. Marie swung back around to face him, her eyes
wide. He was still
sitting
on the bed, but there was a far-away look on his face, as though he was
actually
somewhere else.
"Wh-what did you say?"
He glanced up at her then, feeling as though he'd been suddenly thrust
back
into the present. Clearing his throat, he replied "It's a
quote
from 'The Book Of Five Rings' by Miyamoto Musashi."
Marie swallowed hard, unable to stop herself from staring at him.
There
was a warmth in his eyes that she hadn't seen there previously.
"I...I
didn't know you could speak Japanese --"
Logan shrugged, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"There's
a lot of things you don't know about me, Marie."
At his echo of her words she almost smiled back, but tamped it down
with
no small degree of effort. Not yet....he's not getting off
the
hook that quickly! "What does it mean?"
"I hurt, I will heal. I will learn, I will grow stronger.
Always."
She mulled that over for a moment, pretending not to notice that his
eyes
never left her face. "Hmm, that's a pretty fitting quote,
Logan.
But, you know....sometimes healing means realizing that you can't do
everything
all by yourself. Sometimes learning and growing stronger requires
letting
other people teach you things and help you out."
Logan grunted, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket and then
pulling
them back out. In each fist were five cigars still in their
wrappers,
and two butane lighters. He raised a knowing eyebrow at Marie,
who
finally gave in to the smile that had been slowly winning the battle.
"I had my coat on and was gettin' ready to walk out the door when I
found
these." He fixed her with a scowl but there was no heat behind
it.
"How'd ya know I smoke cigars, Marie?"
"I thought I smelled tobacco on you when I was drying you off
yesterday."
The smile faltered and she glanced over at him sheepishly. "Then,
after
your clothes were dry last night, I started folding them for you and,
well,
the stub of a cigar fell out of the pocket of your jeans. I just
kinda
put two and two together." She splayed her fingers, feeling more
and
more foolish under his heated gaze. "Uh, I, know even less about
cigars
than I do about beer, but the store owner said those were a pretty good
brand,
so um...."
"You bought these, and the beer, at the store this mornin'?"
Nodding, her voice barely a whisper, she added "I-I just thought
I
was --"
"Helpin' me. Yeah, I know."
He stood up then and, she tensed, unconsciously bracing herself for his
departure. I am not going to cry, dammit....I'm not.....at
least not until
he's
all the way out the door! Instead of heading for the
hallway,
though, he came to stand in front of her, reaching for her hands.
With
her smaller fingers nearly engulfed in his larger ones, he grazed his
lips
across the backs of her knuckles. Marie gulped, fighting back a
shiver. I'd better make light of this, or I'm really
gonna lose it, here!
"So....is this your way of saying that you screwed up big-time and that
you're
very, very sorry?"
Logan snorted, but his fingers were rubbing hers gently. "I was
bein'
an asshole," he said gruffly. "Like I said....I ain't used to
people
not wantin' somethin' from me. 'Never met anybody like that
before."
He coughed and took a step back from her then, dropping her hands and
raking
a hand through his already wild hair. "Anyway...I, uh, didn't
mean
to hurt ya. You've been nothin' but good to me and I do owe
ya....I
owe ya a lot, but maybe not in the way that ya think."
Before she could protest, he held his hand up. "Lemme finish,
okay?
I still feel like I need to, uh, pay you back for feedin' me and givin'
me
a place to sleep, but that stuff that you said about doin' it just cuz
ya
wanted to....I mean, I never asked ya for help, so you musta wanted
to.
I get that." He paused, a frown on his face as he carefully
thought
about the point he was trying to make. Fuck. What
I
wanna
say and what I end up sayin' usually ain't the same thing. I
really
gotta try and get this right for once. "I guess I just want
ya
to know that I owe ya for showin' me how much of a jerk I was
bein'....and
for makin' me pull my head outta my ass. Even if everybody else
on
the whole fuckin' planet just wants somethin' from me, I can see that
you
don't and I....well, I dunno why you're different from the rest, but
it,
uh, really means a lot to me." Christ, I'm breakin' out in
a cold
sweat, here.....that hadta be the longest speech I've ever made.
I
just hope she 'got' my meanin', cuz I don't think I could say all that
again
if I tried!
Marie nodded, sitting down on the bed to give him some space.
"You
know, I think we're all guilty of having preconceived ideas about
people
sometimes. But, Logan....did it ever occur to you that maybe
you're
only reaping what you sow? You say everyone always wants
something
from you, but maybe that's because you expect them to have ulterior
motives,
to not be worthy of your trust! You expect it, they deliver
it.
I mean....are you really all that different from them?"
He pulled a face. "I understand your point, darlin', but it ain't
that
simple. I can't swear to it, but I don't think I started out not
trustin' people. I think I used to trust 'em - some of 'em anyway
-
a long time ago...." He broke off and Marie cocked her head.
"...What happened to make you stop?"
Logan sighed, thrusting his hands back into the pockets of his
jacket.
"That's a long, ugly story."
She got up then and stood in front of him. Reaching out, she
placed
a hand on his leather-covered arm, her eyes wide. "Will you tell
me
about it?" She squeezed his arm encouragingly. "Will you
trust
me enough to share some of yourself with me?"
He stiffened without meaning to - Old habits die hard...- and
Marie
felt it but simply gave his arm another squeeze. He forced
himself
to relax, even managing to shoot her a lopsided grin. "Be careful
what
ya wish for, darlin'....there's things about me that you're better off
not
knowin'."
She shrugged. "I doubt it. You keep trying to convince me
that
you're not a nice guy but the more I know about you, the more I like
you.
I don't think anything you tell me about yourself is going to change
that."
He was completely taken aback by the sincerity of words. Jesus....she's
blowin' me away here. No one's ever wanted to get to know me
before,
'specially once they got a good look at the claws. 'Can't exactly
blame
'em, either. So why ain't she afraid of me?
Marie realized from his startled expression and his silence that he was
overwhelmed
by her admission. Okay, let's just give him a little time
and
space to deal. She moved away from him, going back to the
closet
and grabbing some clothes. "Hey, um....I'm kinda sweaty from my
workout,
so I'm just gonna take a quick shower....okay? I'll be out in a
few
minutes!"
As she started toward the doorway, he grasped her elbow and halted
her.
His eyes were intense, boring into hers. "Marie? Does this,
uh,
mean ya don't want me to go?"
She grinned. "I never wanted you to leave in the first place,
Logan."
Before he could respond, she headed down the hallway toward the
bathroom.
Once the door was closed behind her, he sat down heavily on the bed
again. Shit. What the hell--? How'd she get
me to agree to
what
she wanted all along? His heart began to pound in his chest
as
he suddenly realized the truth. No use lyin' to
yourself
anymore,
bub. It was what you wanted all along, too.
As his thoughts drifted to the headstrong - And currently
naked.....Fuck,
'better not go there! - young woman who'd somehow managed to
endear
herself to him, he couldn't hold back a grin. He didn't have a
clue
as to why the Fates had decided to throw their lots in together;
more
than likely, it was simply a cosmic fuck-up and the Powers That Be
would
discover their error before too long. But until that happened, one
thing
was painfully clear: so far, he was the only one reaping the benefits
from
his meeting Marie. As long as he was going to be staying awhile,
Logan
knew he would have to make some changes. Solemnly, he vowed to
himself
that he would do whatever he could to pull his own weight and make
things
nice for Marie so she wouldn't regret having him around. She's
the best thing that's ever happened to your sorry ass, bub. You
don't
deserve her, but now that ya got her....don't fuck this up.
--------------------------------
Posted April 2002
