THE BLOOD OF OTHERS
Author:
Notmanos
E-mail:
notmanos at yahoo dot com
Rating:
R
Disclaimer:
The characters of Angel are owned by 20th Century Fox and
Mutant Enemy; the
------------------------------------------------character of Wolverine is also owned by 20th Century Fox and Marvel Comics. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any money off of this, but if you'd like to be a patron of the arts, I won't object. ;-) Oh, and Bob is *my* character - keep your hands off! As soon as he got the strength back,he got back to his feet and stumbled to the elevator,where Helga was using the wall to stand up.He knew from the smell,as well as the splashes of green on the back of the elevator,that she had been shot too,a couple of times.Unlike him,she didn't have accelerated healing,although being a demon she was probably better off than a human. "You okay?"He asked,surprised to find his voice was a bit scratchy.Either he screamed too loud,or the bullet scraped his trachea,or both. "Yeah,"she said,her own voice sounding shaky.There was a splotch of green on her black t-shirt,close to her left breast,two on her left thigh,and blood running in jade rivulets down her left arm,but none of the wounds looked fatal (having slept with her,he felt confident in saying her heart was nowhere near her left side;if he didn't know better,it was closer to her back on the right,somewhere near the kidneys). There was a single gunshot in one of the connecting corridors,and as Logan glanced back,Helga cursed and fell against the wall of the elevator.Instinctively he reached out and steadied her,but she yanked her injured arm away violently,accidentally splattering her own blood."I'm cool,Logan,just off balance.I need to get these fuckin' slugs out of my leg,or they're gonna slow me down."She pulled a switchblade out of her back pocket and flicked it open,presumably to dig the bullets out.This was one ballsy dame-he really liked her. "I can do it if you want,"he offered,aware his claws were a lot sharper-and,in theory,less painful-than most blades. She shook her head as he heard,distantly,Xavier shout,"Rogue!" Shit! "No,Logan,go,"she said,a trickle of blood now dribbling from the corner of her full green lips."Help Bob.I don't want to lose him to another time.Our secret weapon's on the way,but you have to stall-buy some time." Secret weapon?He knew it couldn't be Scott or Jean,so who was it?Another Bob friend he had to assume.Had he called Angel? He simply nodded and ran down the hall,silent and sure footed despite the blood on the soles of his feet,and he knew he had no idea what he was going to have to do to kill the time ripper,but ultimately it didn't matter.She wanted him to buy time?He'd keep that fuck so busy even he wouldn't know what time zone he was in. He knew by smell and by sound where they were-the war room.How appropriate,because he intended to go nuclear on his demon ass. He heard Xavier's voice,angry and tense,but did not hear his words.The adrenaline was back,flooding his system like new blood,and the rage he felt seemed to fill him with energy,the bloodlust back in full. And if Helga was right,he was going to need it. He came roaring around the corner,muscles tensed,and threw himself claws first at the black clad thing between him and the rest of the room,aiming for what he just assumed was its head. All at once,he knew several things:it seemed to be hovering off the ground,and looked like some strange combination between Claude Raines in "The Invisible Man" and a giant squid;it smelled awful,like burnt hair and rotted meat;Bob was laying in one corner of the room,partially buried underneath the two hundred pound display table;and Rogue was laying in a crumpled heap on the other side of the room,and from here he could smell her blood. Man,was this ugly fucker dead. Even as his claws punched through the demon's skull,he knew this guy was fucking weird;it wasn't like cutting through bone and flesh,it was like cutting through gluey cement,only three fourths set.And yellow light seemed to burst through the new slices cut in his skull,like he was a blast furnace or something. "Logan,no!"Xavier yelled,and he honestly didn't know why,until he felt tentacles wrap around one of his legs,and while he slashed out with a claw,literally ripping it through its head (and tearing its black,peusdo-Amish hat off) in time to cut off the tentacle reaching it...the tentacle still wrapped around his throat like a python,squeezing tight enough to make his adamantium protected bones creak. What the fuck..? When its head seemed to seal up,the air shimmering around it like a desert vista,he understood what had just happened.This thing fucked with time on a minor scale as well as a broad scale,and somehow it altered time,just enough to escape from being hurt,or wasn't completely phased into this time anyways (would explain the weird consistency of its head).But it had phased just enough in to try strangling the life out of him.It was hard to breathe,but he wasn't quite strangling;it couldn't crush the bones in his neck,as much as it was trying to do so.He kept slashing at its face,at its tentacles,but it was like fighting something that wasn't really there. Then he felt the tip of one of its tentacles (not dry like a snake,but cold,slick,and rubbery-just like an octopus) trying to worm its way into the almost completely healed bullet wound in his throat.It was trying to tear the skin,and even though he knew it was just trying to rip his throat out since it couldn't crush it,he had a strange flashback to Krek getting at his throat with his goddamn arms (what was with all these tentacled demons?!Couldn't they have arms like normal people?),and it just made him angrier.He kicked out,the ball of his foot hitting the thing hard in what may have been its torso (who knew at this point?),but the point was he hit something solid-not gluey,not wavering out like a mirage in the distance-and it seemed to...well,not step back,but move suddenly,which was good enough for him.He kept kicking it,driving his heel into its sternum (well,he chose to think of it that way-he honestly didn't want to know what the coat was hiding)as hard as he could,and it must have hurt the bastard because he felt muscles in its tentacles tighten,twitch,and just before it happened he knew he was going to get thrown like a piece of garbage. But even though his lungs were starting to ache from the lack of decent air (the stench of this thing didn't help),and his throat hurt from the constant pressure,black spots exploding in front of his eyes like some really pathetic light show,he was ready for it when Squidward flung him across the room. Rather than simply collide with whatever he flung him towards,Logan had his claws ready,body tensed,so when he hit the wall he held on,claws cutting right through the metal plating,and put his feet flat against the wall like a rock climber.He took a deep breath,looked back at Squidboy-ignoring the literal pain in his neck-and just as he was ready to spring he saw Helga limp into the room and shoot him almost point blank in the back of the head. It did nothing to him,of course-Logan just knew it wouldn't-but he turned his attention on Helga,and that gave Logan a chance to twist off the wall and lunge for the demon,which hurt a hell of a lot more than it should have.But this time,he stabbed it through the back,where his neck (if he had one) might have met his spine(if he had one),and his claws punched through something that felt more solid,something a lot closer to flesh. But then again,so did the tentacle that wrapped tightly around his throat,trying to yank his head off. He kept driving his claws home,kicking him hard enough to shatter bone (if he had bones-he wasn't willing to bet money on that),and its tentacles slowly gathered up his limbs and threatening to rip him apart.Good luck to it-if it couldn't crush the adamantium in his throat,he doubted it would be successful.And now,having a good look at its hatless scalp,he saw it was a greyish white,a sort of maggoty color,and there seemed to be dozens of misshapen tumors and fleshy nodes just underneath its pasty skin,and he realized they were all very lucky they couldn't see his face.He had to be so unbelievably ugly the Human mind would find it hard to tolerate. The worst part was it had grabbed Helga too,and he was sure it would kill her;it already looked like it was trying to break her neck.He tried to squirm out of its grasp,or at least get its attention back,when he saw a blur out of the corner of his eye,and suddenly Helga's tail was holding a knife.If Squidboy saw it,for once it did not move fast enough to protect himself,and she drove it straight into his chest. Logan did not expect it to scream as it did,nor did he expect the burned meat smell that suddenly emanated from it,but the second he felt its grip slacken he yanked his arm free and drove one of his claws straight into its back and through its chest, ripping down as he dropped to the floor. It screamed like an air raid siren,high and ululating,and it seemed to fill the entire level,making Logan wince with the sheer volume of it.One of its tentacles snapped up and slammed into him,throwing him into a computer console,hard enough to break glass and knock the wind out of him,but he was only glad it had dropped (well,thrown) Helga. He noticed then a dark blur moving across the ceiling,and his first thought was Toad,but what the hell would he be doing here now,assuming he had survived Storm's flash frying of him (which he sort of doubted)?Also,beyond the burned meat smell of Squiddy,there was a new scent of burning tires. Flyboy.Shit-just what they needed,another goddamn problem. Flyboy skittered across the ceiling like a gecko (no,a fly),palms and soles flat against it even as he moved,until he was almost directly overhead of his Squid friend.He turned his head to look down,compound eyes bulging and black in their sockets,then he opened his mouth... ...and projectile vomited black fluid all over the Squid. His screaming reached a new,agonizing pitch,as Squid was apparently unable to time shift himself away from the acid,which proceeded to make his skin(well,surface) bubble and pop,and the demon started melting like a candle left too close to a heater.He screamed as long as he could,tentacles drooping to the floor before he completely collapsed into a grotesque, liquefying heap.His screaming did not last very much longer at all,and the stray spatters of acid had already eaten through the metal floor. Now Logan was sure he'd suffered a severe head injury.Wasn't Fly guy on Squid's side?It wasn't a miss-he was aiming for him,and hit a three point shot.So what the hell was going on? He got it then,just as he got his breath back:Bob.Bob is what happened.He couldn't push Squid,but he could push the Fly. Speaking of which,Bob-who must have thrown Helga the knife (and what kind of knife was that?Squid sure didn't like it)-was out from under the table and sitting against the wall,blue blood from a deep gash on his forehead pouring down the side of his face,holding Helga tightly and murmuring something to her,probably healing her injuries. Logan hurt all over,and was rather surprised he was still standing,but looking at Bob and Helga,sitting there -their foreheads leaned against one another,him stroking her hair while she had her hand cupped around the base of his neck-he felt both terrible and slightly jealous.Terrible because he used Helga-no,in all fairness she used him-and jealous because they really did love one another;it was evident simply in the way they clung to each other. (And he loved her without fear,even though he knew he'd probably outlive her-like he had outlived how many others?Logan didn't know how he didn't go mad when everything he loved inevitably died and fell away.) He shook out of that pointless and strange reverie (he must have gotten a head injury),and looked to Xavier,who was staring intently at the remains of the Squid:even here at mutant central,watching people dissolve into puddles of goo like a scoop of ice cream on a hot day was not a common occurrence.He then looked up at the Fly,who had climbed down the wall on the far side of the room,and glanced at Logan,a pale eyebrow raised in a sort of mute skepticism."A friend?"He wondered. Logan didn't have to ask if Xavier was fine-clearly he was."Not by choice,"Logan admitted,then remembered Rogue and quickly went to her. He had to pass Fly guy,now standing on the floor like an almost normal person (with fly eyes),and he gave him a leering grin, showing off yellow teeth that had been fused together."Hey,Wolvie,"he said mockingly,crossing his strangely long arms tightly over his strangely slender chest. Clearly he remembered him,and still felt that strange,lingering antipathy towards him,but he wasn't going to act on it,as much as he probably wanted to.Because Bob wasn't going to let him."Another time,asshole,"he growled,walking past him. "Indeed,"he agreed,with patently false amiability. He had just knelt beside Rogue when-too late to see the melting demon-Scott and Jean showed up."It's over?"Scott asked, sounding equally relieved and disappointed. "It's over,"Bob agreed,sounding a bit weak. "We encountered a few reinforcements outside,"Scott explained,and for the first time Logan realized he sounded slightly out of breath. "Jean,over here,"Logan said,remembering at the very last second he couldn't touch any of Rogue's exposed skin. Jean was wearing a long sleeved shirt,and pulled the fabric over her hands so she could grab Rogue and turn her carefully over onto her back.There was a small cut on her scalp,oozing blood,but that was the only apparent physical injury she had except for some red marks on her face that would probably become a monster bruise later. Jean glanced at him with great concern in her dark eyes,and asked,"Are you all right?" He knew he had healed from all the previous attacks,so it was probably just all the blood on his chest (and possibly tentacle marks around his throat) that bothered her."I'm fine.I'm always fine." She smiled tightly,and he was sure she was going to make some sort of comment-whether sarcastic or humorous or friendly he had no idea-but Scott asked,"Is this a friend of yours," and seemed to cause her to lose her nerve. Logan glanced over his shoulder and wasn't surprised to see him staring warily at Fly guy,one hand on his visor as if ready to shoot him.It wasn't a bad idea."Not of mine,no." "Everybody,Reddick.Reddick,everybody."Bob offered.Logan could see from here that Helga was no longer hurt,but blood still dripped down his face,and small shards of glass glittered in cuts on his cheek and forehead. "Demon?"Scott guessed. "Freak?"Reddick replied snarkily. "You're done here,Reddick,"Bob said dismissively,and as if that was the magic phrase,he stopped giving Scott the stink (fly) eye and simply left,with no further comment. "He was under your control,"Xavier said,realizing it for the first time. "Absolutely,"Bob agreed."He's a fucking psycho nutjob." "Then what the hell was he doing here?"Scott wondered,and while on the surface it seemed like a good question,Logan already knew the answer:Reddick was guaranteed to kill Squidboy.He had no other guarantees they would succeed. "He shut down the League.You no longer have to worry about it-the
demon mob has been cleaned out of New York City."Bob "Shut it down?"Xavier asked,and then added,somewhat crisply,"Like he shut down this demon?" Bob simply nodded,looking grim but not at all sorry. "Was that necessary?"Xavier wondered. "Rhonik had it in for you too,so yes,"Bob replied,coming over to Rogue.As he knelt down beside her,Jean winced in sympathy at his injuries,apparently paying no attention to the fact that his blood was blue."I think you might need some stitches,"she said,remembering at the last second-much like he had with Rogue-that she couldn't touch him. He gave her a weak but appreciative smile."Nah,I'll be all right.I ain't Logan,but I heal pretty fast all the same." "How could you control him from such a long way away?"Scott asked,confused."Or was he hanging around here the whole time?" Bob scowled,as if he really didn't want to explain himself."Reddick was operating under the assumption that I was paying him three times his average salary to wipe out the League." "His group,"Scott commented,now scowling at him."Nice to know he's loyal." "He's a professional merc,"Helga pointed out,leaning against the far wall.Yes,she looked fine,in spite of her blood soaked clothes."His only loyalty is to the almighty dollar." "But you're not paying him,"Xavier said.It was not a question. "No,of course not." "So what happens to him now?"Scott asked. "He's not your problem."Helga said defensively. "I can assure you he'll be gone for good.He wiped out the League-he'll be even more sought after and feared than he was before." And Logan knew then Bob was lying:Reddick was a dead man,as dead as Hedwin,as dead as all those Ressiks cluttering the upstairs hallway.There was no way in hell Bob was going to let a psychopath like Reddick-no matter what he did on their behalf-walk away,just like he didn't let Hedwin walk away.And the troubled look in Xavier's eyes seemed to say he knew that too. But no one said a word.There were some things it was just best to leave alone,and some causes not worth fighting for.
Two Days Later Things were as close to normal around here as they'd ever be-everyone was recovered and back on their feet,all thanks to Bob (even Storm,whom he was finally able to do something for-and how lucky was she to miss all this shit),who was now okay himself.The bodies had been cleared out,the blood cleaned up as much as possible,and most of the major repairs done,although there was still a lot of work to do on the wing damaged by Legion.And while the display table had been replaced (Bob knew people everywhere,and so did Xavier,apparently.Old guys with money-go figure),the hole in the floor caused by Reddick's acidic spit was still there.In the end,there had been nothing of the Hai'satcha,save for a puddle of goo that didn't even begin to fill up a bucket. No word had been heard of the insectoid Reddick,and no one cared. Logan knew this was probably Bob and Helga's last day here-he knew it was for him.And after what he dreamed/remembered last night,he wasn't sure where he was going to go. Xavier had suggested that Bob should come back to guest in at least one physics lecture,especially after all this,no matter that he wasn't a mutant.Xavier didn't know why the Hai'satcha still wanted him after Black/Stone was dead,but Bob figured the Hai'satcha knew it was getting payment from Stone no matter the time line he was in.So the Hai'satcha would go back in time (killing Xavier in the process),tell Black what was going to happen,and Black would have Magneto taken out before 'collecting' Xavier.Of course,Xavier wondered how that worked-how could the Hai'satcha kill him in this time line,and yet go back in his time line (in other words,if Stone's planned worked,he wouldn't exist for the Hai'satcha to kill in the future,so he couldn't go back in time to tell Stone about Magneto...)-but Bob suggested he not think too hard about it:recursive time lines, causality, parallel universes were a big mess that would make your head explode.Logan could believe that,and didn't even try to think about it. The students weren't back yet,but they were scheduled to return tomorrow,which is why he figured he'd leave tonight.He felt awkward around kids in general,but especially here:he was not a teacher,he was not anything but the strange guy who seemed to exacerbate hidden tensions in the otherwise happy group. Odd man out.And really,he wouldn't have it any other way. He casually knocked on the door of the room where Bob and Helga had been staying while here at the mansion.After a moment Bob said-no,sang,in a comically lilting manner,"Entree,come in,welcome-" What a bizarre man he was. When Logan did come in (and he had instant second thoughts about it),he found Bob looking through the wardrobe,dripping wet and dressed only in a white towel wrapped loosely around his waist."Good day,Logan,"he said,continuing to look through the cabinet.When had they brought clothes in,or did they just buy some?"What's on your mind?" He couldn't think of a way to ask,so he just said it:"Did you push me last night?" Bob gave him a deceptively casual glance,his hair darker now that it was wet and plastered to his scalp;it looked almost black, and he looked almost younger,which seemed impossible.He was at least what,three hundred years old,and he looked just about thirty,yet now he looked almost teenaged."What makes you think that?" Logan scowled at him."How could you fuckin' do that to me,Bob?I thought I could trust you." Bob turned towards him,his look strangely melancholy."I heard you the night before,Logan,and I thought it was time that sleep wasn't so painful for you." The belly full of indignant rage he was building up began to sputter out."What?"He had a nightmare-okay,memory-the night before,sure,but he didn't wake up screaming...did he?Sure,he woke up violently,in a cold sweat,the mattress slashed from his claws,but he didn't scream,he was sure he hadn't.After all,no one had come to check on him- Because they were used to it.He didn't sleep more than he spent half the night howling,like a pent up,wounded dog.How embarrassing was that?It was bad enough his claws had popped and shredded the bedding:it was the bizarro,violent equivalent of a wet dream. Logan huffed a sigh through his nose and shook his head,disgusted with himself and with Bob."Shit.Look,don't fuck with my head anymore,no matter how good your intentions." "What did you remember?"Bob asked curiously. Logan felt a cold shock of something (fear?) grip him as he glared at Bob in annoyance,and noticed for the first time how truly vulnerable he was.Naked save for a towel,water still dripping down his skin,matting down his dark chest hair,he looked very Human and very fragile,like a claw slash could really hurt him. As if Bob was a mind reader,he gave him a rangy,surprisingly easy going smile,and said,"It's fun to think you could hurt me, isn't it?But it ain't gonna happen.And,for the record,all I told you last night was 'Remember something that isn't so painful'." He wasn't sure if he dared trust him."That's all?" "That's all,I promise.You must have remembered something other than being vivisected,'cause I didn't hear you screaming." Logan wasn't going to tell him,but he had to tell someone,and if he was somehow responsible for this bloody mess than he deserved to hear it.It was quite possible Bob was the only one who could understand. He sat on the end of his bed-it was the only place to sit-and kept his back turned to him so Bob could have some privacy getting dressed."I was hoping it was a dream,like the one before." "The one before?Are you sure it wasn't another memory?" Logan grimaced to himself.He really didn't want to get into this."Oh yeah.It was a dream about this place.And Jean." "Jean?Oh,one of those kind of dreams.Those are always fun." "Yeah,well...it was kinda weird.For some reason,I was the gardener around here." Bob suddenly dropped something,something glass that bounced off the dresser and landed harmlessly on the grey carpet, remaining in one piece.Logan glanced over his shoulder to make sure he was okay,but saw Bob hunched over the bureau,his broad shoulders shaking as if he was trying to keep from laughing out loud."What?"Logan asked,feeling annoyed once more. "I'm just trying to..."Bob gasped,between paroxysms of explosive laughter."...imagine you...as a gardener."He barely finished the sentence before dissolving into hopeless,almost hysterical laughter. "Yeah,I didn't get that either,"he reluctantly admitted. It seemed to take Bob a minute to get a hold of himself (it wasn't that funny),and as he wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his hand,Logan thought he heard him mutter something like,"Sneaky girl."But Bob straightened up and turned to face him,all business and sobriety."But you think the second dream was a memory?" "I don't know,"he admitted wearily."If it was,I think I know why I speak Japanese." Bob pulled on a pair of black silk boxer shorts,and tossed his towel aside."You remembered being there?" "No,but I think I remembered my reason for being there."Logan said,recalling the dream with a clarity that made it painful. As if it wasn't painful enough already. ** Sometimes he was seized by a sudden,strange claustrophobia,where it felt like the walls were closing in on him,threatening to collapse and bury him alive.It was stupid and impossible,but when the fear came it was a bit too powerful to reason away, although not for lack of trying.Maybe he was buried alive once;it really wouldn't surprise him. He stood on the porch of his cabin and looked out at the dark forest surrounding his small,rustic (temporary) home on all sides,the pine and fir trees looking black in the dimness,huge dark feathery plumes that towered over him in the still of the night.But the phrase itself was a lie-it was anything but still. It would seem that way to normal people,maybe,but Logan wasn't normal.His acute senses told him how busy it truly was in the deep,dark heart of the forest:owls lurked on branches,scouring the undergrowth for prey that scuttled and scurried,aware of the raptor's eyes on them and hoping to escape;and on the ice cold breeze coming down from the slopes of the Canadian Rockies,he caught the scent of wild cats,wolves,even a bear,although since they weren't nocturnal he doubted it was anywhere around now.If it was,he doubted the others things would have come to the forest,save for the owls;nearly everything was afraid of bears. He wasn't afraid of them,though,or any animal.In general-and unlike humans-if you left them alone,they left you alone,unless they were ill or starving,and in that case you usually did them a favor by putting them out of their misery. He scented Cat under the porch,probably hiding out from all the big bads out there on the prowl.Cat was an abandoned,feral housecat that seemed to have adopted him,or at least adopted his table scraps,the closest thing he had ever had to a pet as far as he knew.He couldn't get anywhere near it,but sometimes when he sat on the stairs it would sit on the edge of the path,or the other end of the porch,and they enjoyed a companionable silence.It was all very bizarre,and sometimes he thought it was funny,although he didn't know why. 'Yes you do,' he thought to himself.'Because as pathetic as Cat's existence is,he should know better than to hitch his wagon to a trouble magnet like you.' True enough.Sometimes he thought he should have a big sign to hold up wherever he went:'Unless you want to die hideously,stay far away from me'. If he could,he'd stay far away from himself.He kept trying,but so far it hadn't worked.As the stupid cliche went,wherever you go,there you are. Logan grabbed one of the wooden beams holding up the roof over his porch and climbed up it,onto the simple tar papered roof.The wood beneath creaked under the sudden appearance of his two hundred pounds plus weight,but it held.It had probably withstood heavier falls of snow than him. His breath exploded in white plumes before him,the night as clear and cold as ice,and as he laid back on the roof,he looked up and saw the magnificent,open sky:as black as velvet and riddled with what seemed to be a million bright stars as blue white as perfect diamonds,the crescent moon hanging high over the right quadrant of the sky as bright as a torch.He could just make out the grey pockmarks of craters on its luminous surface,and the faint curve of the unilluminated portion of the planetoid. It was so beautiful here it seemed to hurt;nights like this he got a strange ache in his breastbone sometimes,which was either psychosomatic or perhaps an old injury that really hadn't healed as well as it should. Not physical.He could have handled it if it were merely physical.It was the other type of wounds that killed him. He thought he had a dream of her when he dozed off while reading,and wondered if that had brought on the sudden fit of claustrophobia.He had the vaguest memories of feeling her silky hair caress his cheek,her soft lips brush his forehead,his hand on her hip,feeling the curve of bone beneath the warm,thin skin..and he woke up feeling sick with anger and despair,clothes sticky with sweat and the almost undeniable urge to start destroying things.But he didn't have much,and destroying it seemed pointless,as it wouldn't hurt the people he wanted to hurt,and it wouldn't bring her back. He dug into the inner pocket of his beaten leather jacket and pulled out a photograph,crinkled and worn from use and time,but still recognizable.Her hair was an ebony veil framing her pale face,her crimson lips curved up in a smile verging on a laugh which was still visible in her sparkling hazel eyes,lovely almond shaped eyes that dominated her delicate,heart shaped face,and her head rested against his as she hugged him tightly just before the photograph was taken.As always,seeing his own face next to hers-the stubbly beard,the wary green eyes,the reluctant smile-he wondered what someone as beautiful as her ever saw in him.He always thought it was some kind of fluke that she loved him,a double fluke that she agreed to marry him...and paid for that,in the big scheme of things. It was coming up on the anniversary of her death,wasn't it? When the time came,no matter where (or who) he was,he tried to get back to Japan,laid roses (her favorite-red as blood) on her grave,and hoped that she forgave him for not being able to save her.He knew they might know,though;he tried to keep that secret,cover his tracks,keep her all to himself,but they still might have followed him or figured it out.They might be waiting for him at the airport in Tokyo,ready to collect him and drag him back in whether he liked it or not. He would go,he knew he would.He owed that to her. Of course,the visits weren't really for her,were they?He didn't believe in an afterlife,never had;he felt you had one life,and if you blew it,you blew it.She never knew he was there,she never knew of his yearly pilgrimages,or of the caretaker he paid to make sure her grave and her marker were kept immaculate,like he knew she would like.He knew when he talked to her,she couldn't hear him,nor could she ever forgive him,if she did in fact blame him.But,knowing her,she didn't;no matter what,no matter what a moody pain in the ass he was,no matter how secretive he had to be,she somehow managed to love him anyways, even when he couldn't stand himself.Even when he couldn't save her,and fell short of avenging her.He would someday though-of that he had no doubt.He would do it if he had to wait until the end of goddamn time itself. He visited her yearly for himself.He loved her,and her death had hurt him like nothing ever had;it scared him,made him furious,and shaken him to his very core.And sometimes he missed her so much it felt like he was being smothered,grief enfolding him and crushing him like a giant's fist.Time was supposed to make it wane,or if not ease it just make it more tolerable to live with,but every time he remembered her it was like a knife through his heart,a fresh and devastating wound. He forgot so much in his life,but he didn't mind the pain.Pain meant he was still alive. No-his biggest fear was that someday,somehow,he would forget her. |
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