10

The shock was just wearing off when Xavier said, “I really wouldn’t throw over the table. This is a mindscape, you know. No action is a surprise.”

“Wanna bet?” If he was really Xavier, then he’d know he actually proved in a mindscape he could react instinctually enough to surprise the telepath; the key was being so angry that you entered a kind of Zen state, and thought no longer proceeded action - there was just action, no thoughts at all. Just like when Heydon trapped him in his own mind after taking over his body, and tried to trap Jeannie and Xavier as well - Xavier and Jeannie only got away because Heydon never expected Logan to be so enraged by his own captivity (and his threats against Jean) that he’d bite a big fucking chunk out of his neck. It was also when he felt Xavier really started to take him seriously, because he saw for himself that he could beat telepaths, and because he saw when he was really fucking pissed, he was little better than an animal. Scott had been right about that.

(But he would have killed anyone who hurt Jeannie, with whatever he had. That fucker had picked the wrong target.)

Xavier grimaced and dipped his head. “I know your training has made you able to occasionally beat a telepath, but you have no reason to be angry at me, Logan.”

“The fuck I don’t,” Logan growled. “You’ve made everyone think you’re dead. You’ve abandoned those kids at your fucking mansion. And you made me -” He paused and slammed his hand down on the table, hard enough to make something crack. The imaginary crowd around them reacted slightly, but Xavier didn’t. “Do you know what I had to fucking do, you prick?!”

He had the good grace to look contrite. “I know, I’m sorry … I came back long after it was over. It took me a while to settle into consciousness in a new body. And the body was slightly atrophied too, so I’ve been in physical therapy. I couldn’t have helped.”

“I don’t give a fuck. It’s unforgivable.”

“You did the right thing, Logan. I know it doesn’t seem that way -”

“Shut up,” he snarled, low and deadly.

“ - and I know you loved her, but -”

“Shut the fuck up!” He roared, popping his claws and driving them through the table, shattering it as he stood up and kicked the halves aside. Xavier remained seated, simply gazing up at him as if nothing had happened. “I should fucking kill you!”

“In a mindscape it won’t make a difference,” Xavier pointed out. “It might make you feel better -”

“Yeah, it might.”

“But it won’t change anything. Please sit down. I’d like a chance to explain myself.”

“No! I’m tired of all your goddamn bullshit! First, you fucked with Jeannie’s mind and didn’t tell anyone, even when Camaxtli got its claws into her and you knew he could use that against us and her! Then you had the fucking gall to act like I was the one out of line for thinking you were wrong!”

“I admit I could and should have handled things better, but what I did to Jean wasn’t the same as what was done to you -”

Logan grabbed him by the throat and hauled him to his feet, bringing his claws level with his eyes. He was so angry he was shaking with rage. “Mindfucking is mindfucking, Chuck. Give me all the greater good bullshit you want, but somebody somewhere decided mindfucking me was for the greater good as well. And they never stopped. So don’t you dare tell me that I should just accept it and move on, ‘cause I won’t.”

He looked at him levelly, and because this was a mindscape, he had no idea if Xavier was genuinely scared and covering or what. But if he wasn’t scared, he should have been. “All right, I’m sorry. I wasn’t … it was never my intention to hurt her or you. What was done to you was unconscionable.”

“What about Jean?”

“She was like my daughter, Logan. I would never hurt her like that.”

“But you did hurt her. And even when Camaxtli was clearly singling her out, you never said anything. You’ve been lyin’ since I’ve known you, you manipulative fuck.”

Xavier kept making eye contact, perhaps afraid to look away, perhaps attempting to “reach” him. “My intent was never malicious.”

“Bullshit!” He threw him back down in his chair, so violently he had no idea how it didn’t fall over and send him spilling to the sidewalk, except this was a mindscape and the laws of physics were different. “I was just brought in to do the dirty work, wasn’t I? You so magnanimously let me in to your little group because you needed a thug.”

He almost smirked, but managed to suppress the urge. Which was good, because Logan would have carved it off his face. “Magneto told you that, didn’t he?”

“Actually, Mystique did. And Scott. It was the rare time they agreed.”

“Logan, you know better than to believe anything Mystique says, and as for Scott … you know the troubles between you two better than I do.”

“You accusin’ your little golden boy of lying?”

Finally that got a reaction out of him. His eyes narrowed, and a look of annoyance flashed across his face. “No. You two never got along, which was a shame, as I’m sure you both could have learned from each other.”

“I don’t wanna know how to be anal retentive.”

He sighed heavily, but rather than even attempt to lecture him, he moved on. “I brought you in because you were a good person, Logan. You were -”

Xavier had to stop because Logan was laughing so hard there was no way to hear over it. By the time Logan managed to get a hold of himself and calm down, he had tears running down his face. He wiped them away with the back of his hand. “Man, thanks for that. I haven’t had that good of a laugh in ages.”

“Do you really think that little of yourself? Do you really think you’re not a good person?”

“Just stop it, okay? Blowing sunshine up my ass ain’t gonna help ya, so you can knock it off.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Of course you are. We both know I’m a killer, okay? So let’s just stop pretending.”

“You have killed, but you’re not a killer.”

“That makes no fucking sense.”

“It does, and I think you know what I mean.”

Logan retracted his claws and folded his arms across his chest, but he didn’t move away or sit down. His anger was slowing morphing into a weary kind of disgust. “Have you ever been truthful? At any point?”

Xavier sighed, giving him a disappointed look. “Of course I have. I wanted to make this world a better place. I wanted Humans and Mutants to live together without fear or prejudice.”

“So why bring in me? Those that know of me fear and hate me. I’m a liability. And you knew - you knew - what I was, who I was, and you never told me.”

He looked down at the sidewalk and shook his head. “You weren’t ready for that. The truth at that time would have hurt you more.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make. You took in a known assassin - why the fuck would you do that if you didn’t expect me to kill for you?”

Xavier ran a hand through his unaccustomed hair, and gave himself a minute to gather his thoughts before he told him, “Do you want to know the whole story? Fine. Yes, as soon as Scott called back to report that they had rescued Rogue along with a man that she said called himself Wolverine, I knew who you were. Scott and Ororo and Marie couldn’t, because they weren’t aware of the rumors in the mutant underground, the talk of a government sponsored mutant assassin called Wolverine who could kill anything that breathed. I think you would have enjoyed some of the rumors - some had you as able to turn into a mist, one that could slip under doors and invade lungs, killing a person from the inside out.”

“Sounds like they mixed me up with Chimera.”

“Yes, I suspect they mixed you up with several of them. Anyway, my first impulse was to tell Scott to leave you there, but I must admit I was intrigued. I figured the government - whichever government you worked for; that wasn’t clear - wanted Rogue too, although I wasn’t certain why. I thought it would be good to bring you back so I could look into your mind and see why, as well as see what made you tick, why you would kill your own kind.” He paused, clasping his hands nervously in his lap. “As soon as you were brought in I did look into your mind, Logan. Not for long, though, as I was a little overwhelmed by what I found. I’ve never encountered a mind so badly violated; I must admit, I wondered if you were sane.”

He snorted derisively. “Join the fucking club.”

“But before I left I searched your more recent memories, trying to glean what you wanted with Rogue. I discovered it was random chance and she sought you out, but before I left, I caught one of your thoughts while you were fighting Sabretooth: ‘If he touches the girl, I’m going to kill him’. That was instinctual, pure gut reaction … and that’s why I brought you into the institute.”

He glared at him. “’Cause I wanted to kill Sabretooth?”

“Because your first instinct was to protect the girl - not to kill, but protect. Horrible things have been done to you, Logan, body and mind, and if you were a cynical killing machine I honestly couldn’t blame you. I wouldn’t blame you if you turned your back on humanity as a whole. But you had your humanity intact, and moreover, you wanted to protect others from being hurt. That puts you in a rarer category than you might imagine.”

Logan continued to glower down at him. “So ‘cause I’m not quite amoral enough to stand by and watch a girl get hurt, you decided I was worth saving? Is this where I get on my knees and thank you?”

“I was being honest with you. There’s no need for sarcasm.”

“There’s lots of reason for sarcasm. Am I supposed to think this is the real story? How many do I get to hear before you stop telling me the “real story”?”

Xavier returned a glare, which was good, because at least that was an honest reaction. “That’s it, Logan. There is no other story.”

“And you’ve never mentioned it before because ..?”

“I didn’t think you’d like me having trespassed into your mind.”

“Considering everything else you’ve done, that’s pretty minor.”

He sighed wearily and shook his head. “I’m not your enemy.”

“You’re not my friend either. I don’t know what you are.”

“We shouldn’t be at odds.”

“You’re supposed to be dead. What the fuck did you do?”

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking off to the side as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I didn’t know that it would work; it was a last resort. His body was alive but he was brain dead; I didn’t take over a living man, just a wasting body.”

“And you let us all believe you were dead.”

“Not intentionally. I knew you thought I was dead, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized it would be better for everybody.”

“You mean you.”

He threw his hands up in the air. “No. I knew I was a lightning rod for controversy and trouble, which is not what I wanted to be. I was endangering the school and everyone in it. This wasn’t how I intended to drop out, but this is how I ended up.”

He stared at him in disbelief. “And you let everyone think you were dead.”

“It was easier that way. Is that what you wanted me to admit? Yes, it was. I intended to reveal myself to some people, but I discovered that life has gone on quite nicely without me, and I think it’s best that I remain beyond their lives. I can still monitor, I can still help, but I no longer will add to the problems.” He smirked gently, his eyes crinkling in a familiar manner that looked funny on someone else’s face. “You know, I assumed that someone might eventually track me down, but I never thought it would have been you. I should have guessed though, right? You used to be in military intelligence, didn’t you? What really impressed me is you still have connections, just different ones.”

That put Logan on edge. “Srina. You didn’t hurt her, did you?”

“Good lord, you think that little of me? Of course I didn’t hurt her. She never got close to me, because invisible she might be, but no one’s invisible to telepathy.”

“Except vampires. And Bob.”

“Well yes, them. Perhaps I should have specified Humans.” He got serious again, all warmth dropping from his expression. “I can’t have people knowing I’m still alive right now.”

“Ah, finally.” Logan sank down into his chair, slumping against it with a deceptively casual, open posture. “This is where you threaten me.”

A stern look flashed through his eyes, and again it was odd to see in someone else’s face. “No it isn’t. I thought we could talk.”

“And what happens if I disagree with you? Don’t tell me - mind wipe.”

He scowled at him. “No.”

“Bob would probably know. He’d restore what you took. He could do more than that.”

“I have no intention of altering your mind, Logan.”

“He could kill you. He wouldn’t even hafta try. All he’d have to do is think about you. The briefest mental contact, and your brain explodes out your ears. I’ve seen it done; it’s not pretty.”

Xavier’s scowl deepened, making his host body look older. “You don’t have to threaten me. I have no intention of hurting you.”

“And I have no reason to trust you, do I?”

Xavier hung his head down, hands nervously scrubbing his face. “What can I do to regain your trust, Logan? We shouldn’t be at odds, not now.”

Logan raised an eyebrow at the “not now” comment, but knew better than to take the bait. As far as he knew, Xavier had been playing him - playing all of them - for a hell of a long time. Yeah, the guy had saved his ass once or twice, but goddamn it, was it for his own purpose? In retrospect, he wondered if all of this was just some bizarre power play between him and Magneto. They had been just friends, right? “You could tell me if you knew, if that was the plan all along.”

Xavier looked genuinely confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Jean.” He wasn’t sure if he was angry or scared, but his heart felt like it was pounding in his head, making him feel vaguely sick.  “Did you know I’d have to kill her?  Did you set me up?”